Being myself

Maybe, just maybe I should learn to be truthful.  At least to myself. 

I know I have been fighting all along who or what I am.  Maybe this is the only way to protect myself.  But unfortunately I think I am getting to the point that I am tired of the inner fighting.

I have watched something and loved a line "we all love you for who you are because you are you, we will not love you any less just because you are different or choose to be different"

I think I have known all along who I am, it's not that I care what people think, I actually care how they will act.

I remember my first crush.  Its just everything, made me feel free.  But then I had to think for them, how their family will feel, how they will react.  So I distance myself.  Its better if its just me that is hurt, cos they can go on with their life without the pain and knowing the truth.

My 2nd crush is one I fought for the hardest.  I knew from the start it wasn't meant to be, but I was there for them everytime they needed me.  I dropped everything so that when they call, I'll be there.  I even thought of moving back to HK just to be with them. Like I said, it's not meant to be. Maybe I was used for the support, the feeling was not mutual. I do however enjoyed the 1day and 1night I spent with them.  Although this person do not have the same feelings for me, they did however see through me. This person left me with 2 songs, said it fitted me perfectly.  And yes, I think it was their way of telling me who or what I am.  They do sense I am very insecure with myself, hence I did not trust anyone. I am still hoping they will change their feelings for me, but I think that ship have truly sail....long gone.

These are the 2 crushes of my life.  All the others I treat as friends or flings and nothing more. 

I am still very bitter between what happened between me and 1 other person.  Rumours hurt friendship and a rumour really killed this friendship.  I don't often open up to people, cos I'm very insecure.  But for once that I do, it ends up being thrown back in my face.

Perhaps I shouldn't be so nice to all my friends.  I get taken for granted too often and I have to hide all my pain. Maybe I should follow the line "perhaps for once you have to look after yourself and not everyone else".

So who am I or what am I??  

A person who treats people around me better than I treat myself.  I keep thinking that if everyone around me is happy, so would I.  But I don't think this is the case.  I think for once I should be me, do what I want, be with someone who loves me for who I am instead of just using me.

I am really sick of fighting myself to be nice to myself.  Perhaps for once I should be selfish and treat myself the way I treat others.

I just want to be ME!!!